Sunday, January 18, 2009

Struggle With The Past

There is something very deeply troubling happening in today's youth. I'm not talking about drugs and sex, no, all that's fun and fine and healthy. No, I'm talking about something much darker and scarier and more painful. I'm talking about something pervasive and wrong. I'm talking about bringing back retro fashions that were so heinous the first time they should be struck forever from our sight. I'm talking about the giant glasses.

My mother has a distinctive way of speaking, and when she sees things that she finds amusing or absurd, such as women in their fifties who dye their hair colors never before found nature, she calls that "impossible hair". When she sees very tall people they are "impossibly tall". When small dogs have sweaters on they are "impossible dogs". I think you see the point. So I am here and now calling out against impossible glasses. I've seen a lot of strange trends from the seventies this past year. First there were the odd haircuts, with the strange bangs and layers. Fine, I said, that could work, that could be cute, I'll go with it. Then there were the wide legged pants. This article of clothing makes me look like I went for a swim in some fabric, but fine, taller thinner women then I could do this, sure. But this glasses thing, it's too much. They are just too large. This is beyond the Buddy Holly, this is the Starsky and Hutch, the Charlies' Angels, the college photos of my parents. These glasses aren't screwing around, they are here and they plan on dominating the face, taking no prisoners, they will not rest until all look bug-like and strange. It's like the cast of Animal House has made a comeback.

Now, look, I'm not an idiot. I know that there is a recession on and that it's important to cut back on spending. But does that have to mean raiding the eyewear of the cast of Star Wars? And yes, I have heard that the kids today are into vintage. But does that have to mean a dramatic increase in the face to glasses ratio? What else will we be reviving from that illustrious period in American History? Nixon? Kent State? A re-invasion of Cambodia? Will not-Yale kick me out on the eve of my graduation for being a girl? (Clearly that last one would be the most chilling.)

I'm all for personal style, and I'm even a proponent of vintage looks. Full skirts and kitten heels? I'm there. Mad Men? Excellent show, excellent style. Nor do I unequivocally support the way we dress today, remember cropped tops? But I will say that one of the benefits of the modern age is the strides we've made in our eyewear. So I beg, I implore, I demand that the revolution of the impossible glasses cease and desist. Why must we overturn thirty years of progress just so some hipster can channel a preying mantis? I'll calling it right now. Impossible glasses=a struggle.

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